Imagine standing before a visualization of your adult life (18-90 years old) represented as dots on a screen. Each dot represents one month, assuming you live to 90 years old. Let me tell you, it looks a little less impressive than you might think.
Now imagine discovering that a third of those dots will be spent sleeping. Another large portion will go to school and career (about 126 months). Roughly 18 months will be spent driving, 36 months cooking and eating, 36 months doing chores and errands, and about 27 months in the bathroom and personal hygiene.
That leaves an 18-year-old with approximately 334 months—best case scenario—for everything else. Everything else means traveling, pursuing your passions, and leaving your mark on the world. But since I’m 47 and not 18, I am looking at significantly fewer “dots” on my timeline. The question for all of us is, “How will I spend or invest my time?”
This was the powerful visual Dino Ambrosi shared in a recent TED talk that made me stop and, if I’m honest, cry a little inside. The speaker revealed something even more sobering: the average 18-year-old in the United States is on pace to spend 93% of their remaining free time looking at a screen. Not counting time for school or work.
Yeah. Whoa.
Imagine reaching 90 (yay you!), looking back at how you spent those precious free months, and realizing you missed out on living because you were staring at a screen.
This stark reality brings me to why this week’s essay, The Self-Led Leader’s Rule of Life, is one of the most important topics you’ll want to grapple with. A Rule of Life is an ancient practice with profound modern implications for stewarding our time, attention, and energy.
What is a Rule of Life?
The concept of a Rule of Life dates back to the 6th century when St. Benedict created a framework for monastic communities. But don’t let the religious origins fool you—this practice transcends any single tradition and speaks to a universal human need for intentional living.
A Rule of Life is simply an intentional pattern of spiritual practices that provides structure and direction for growth. Think of it as a personal manifesto that outlines your commitments to yourself, others, and God. It’s not about rigid rules but about creating rhythms that align with your deepest values and help you become the person you want to be.
Why the Self-Led Leader Needs a Rule of Life
Using the ResQ™ Framework I introduced you to a few weeks ago, we focus on developing three core intelligences:
- Relational Intelligence (RQ): Understanding and navigating interpersonal dynamics
- Emotional Intelligence (EQ): Recognizing and managing emotions (yours and others)
- Spiritual Intelligence (SQ): Cultivating awareness, meaning, and connection to God
A Rule of Life brings these intelligences into harmony through intentional practice.
Here’s why that matters:
It transforms unconscious habits into conscious choices.
When we’re aware that we have only 334 months of free time (or less), we become more intentional about how we spend each one.
I remember reading about investor and entrepreneur Sahil Bloom’s moment of awakening when he shared in his book, The 5 Types of Wealth, the moment he realized his actions were not in line with his values. He said a friend asked him how often he saw his parents, to which Sahil replied about once a year. Knowing how important his parents were to him, the friend pointed out their age and estimated that if nothing changed, Sahil would see his parents just fifteen more times before they died. It was the wake-up call Sahil needed to change everything.
Creating Your Rule of Life
So, how do you create a Rule of Life that strengthens all three intelligences and integrates what you value with your actions? Here’s a simple framework:
1. Reflect on your current reality
Ask yourself:
- How am I currently spending my time?
- Which activities nurture my relationship with others (RQ)?
- What practices help me understand and manage my emotions (EQ)?
- How am I connecting with God or cultivating spiritual awareness (SQ)?
2. Identify your non-negotiables
For each intelligence, identify 1-3 practices that you commit to incorporating regularly:
Examples For Relational Intelligence (RQ):
- Regular quality time with loved ones without screens (Schedule a regular weekly game night with friends.)
- Intentional community involvement (Join a softball team!)
- Practices of hospitality or service (Make a meal for a friend recovering from surgery.)
Examples For Emotional Intelligence (EQ):
- Daily journaling or reflection
- Regular physical exercise
- Practice empathy for others
Examples For Spiritual Intelligence (SQ):
- Prayer or contemplative practices like silence and solitude
- Scripture reading or spiritual study
- Sabbath rest and worship
3. Create rhythm and accountability
Determine the frequency for each practice (daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, annually ) and schedule it in your calendar. Find accountability partners who will support your commitment.
4. Embrace flexibility and grace
A Rule of Life is not meant to be rigid or punitive – it’s actually not a “rule” at all. Sometimes, it is referred to as a Soul Health Plan – I use the terms interchangeably. It should adapt to different seasons and circumstances.
Feel free to revisit your plan as often as you need to refine and redefine how you can practice your internal beliefs to make the most of those dots at the end of your life. Remember, the goal is progress, not perfection.
A Soul Health Plan Example
To illustrate what this might look like in practice, I’d like to share a recent example of a Soul Health Plan I created less than a year ago. This iteration has changed drastically since I began the practice, so be kind to yourself.
I arranged my spiritual practices around a central goal and vision inspired by St. Augustine’s quote: “There we shall rest and see, see and love, love and praise.” The goal is to rest, see God in everything, love those encountered, and show gratitude for all of it.
Here’s how I arranged my plan:
Daily Practices:
- 10 minutes of Centering Prayer using Psalm 46:10 meditation
- Journaling (flexible approach: a word, sentence, or several pages)
- “No-screen” sabbath after 9 p.m. each night
Weekly Practices:
- Scripture reading using Madame Guyon’s slow reading method
- Mindful observation of creation (sunrise, sunset, stars)
- Half-day Sabbath on Sunday mornings
Monthly Practices:
- Soul care day with silence and reflection
- Weekend of social media fasting
- Writing an encouraging letter to someone
- Spiritual direction
Annual Practices:
- 2½ day silent retreat at a monastery
- Writing a spiritual autobiography
- Reading The Critical Journey for awareness of the particular spiritual stage
It’s interesting to reflect on my Soul Health Plan, even as I describe it here. I leave for my annual 2 ½ day silent retreat in two days – I literally will not speak for 60 hours. I’ll dedicate a whole newsletter to this experience next time.
The Countercultural Power of a Rule of Life
Creating a Rule of Life is a radical act of reclaiming your time and agency in a world designed to capture and monetize your attention. As Dino Ambrosi pointed out, social media platforms are free because you pay for them with your time—often at an exorbitant rate when calculated in terms of your life’s limited free months.
By establishing intentional practices that strengthen your three intelligences, you’re making a statement: your time is too valuable to give away unconsciously. You’re investing it in becoming a self-led leader whose success emerges from wholeness rather than fragmentation and distraction.
This Week’s Challenge:
I invite you to take the first step toward creating your own Rule of Life.
- Audit your screen time for one week. Most smartphones now have built-in tools to track this. If you’ve never calculated your usage (hours average per day), you might want to sit down before finding out – it’s probably much more than you think!
- Calculate the cost using Ambrosi’s formula: Your hourly rate x hours per day using your phone or social media × 30 days = Your financial investment into social media or your phone. My calculation was eye-popping! 4 hours per day x $100/hr x 30 days means I invest $12,000 worth of my time on my phone!!! Of course, some of that screen time is work-related. However, I imagine a more significant portion than I care to admit is mindless scrolling, resulting in more “dots” unconsciously misused.
- Identify one practice for each intelligence (RQ, EQ, SQ) you will commit to this month.
- Share your commitment with someone who will hold you accountable, or join the Soul Trellis community!
Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate technology but to use it in moderation and with intention. As Ambrosi says, “Don’t let yourself get to the age of 90, only to look back on your life and realize that while you were trying to avoid FOMO, you actually missed out on living.”
Your free time is your most valuable resource. Don’t give it away for free.
